The Season of Waiting

“Guess what? When you least expect it, that’s when God gets ya.” MCF

The Season of Waiting Update

Dear Reader,

Sometimes I just have to wonder, “Did this all happen because I finally was ready to let go and move on?”

As you might have guessed from the past 2 Season of Waiting blogs, I was trying to come to terms with how things ended and move on. Ironically, that same weekend, that’s when the phone call I’ve been praying for came.

Good Lookin called me, and asked to come see me.

WHAT A RELIEF!! It was a mountain of depressing questions being lifted from my head. If you have ever felt heart-break you might be able to sympathize with some of the below thoughts I had throughout The Waiting Season.

Just a friendly reminder to those who may not understand heart-break.

You can fall for anyone, even the wrong person, and still be heart-broken when you leave or they leave. The pain you feel is valid and hurts like hell. Single women and men who have not experienced falling head over heels for someone do not understand what you are going through. But, that doesn’t mean they don’t care. It just means they won’t understand all the emotions and struggles you will experience.

All the “what if” “Should I try harder” “Am I that pathetic” “Do I just stink at loving people?” “Am I unlovable” “Am I falling for the wrong person?” “Am I making the biggest mistake” “How long will I be able to handle this pain?” “Where is God right now??” “Why do I feel so alone, even with my friends around me?” “I shouldn’t talk about him anymore, it’s just making everyone around me annoyed that I’m not over him yet.” “Why do I miss someone who hurt me?” “How did I fall for the wrong person?” “did I screw this up?” “Was it my fault it fell apart?” and we could fill this page with all the questions that fly through one’s mind when dealing with heart-break.

I can share one HUGE reality check for those of you who might not have experienced love, the desire to be with someone specific for a happier future. When you have not been through that, you have no clue the emotions that are experienced.

I used to think I understood the Lovey-dovey feelings. Just because I listened to a lot of friends who were dating at the time. They’d share their experiences, giggle, smile, talk endlessly  about the new BF and how wonderful the world is. Then break up and cry…a lot. They took way to long to get over the newest boyfriend break up, in my single and chilling opinion. Yet, for some reason I assumed I knew their feelings and understood them.

BIG NEWS FLASH: I had no clue what they were going through. Not a clue, I tried. I wanted to be a good friend. But, now I can say, until you’ve been through the heart throb, break-up and wonder a lot phase of relationships. You do not understand. You can try, but it’s better to give your friend a safe place to vent, cry, get their mind off things and get busy with fun again. That helps.

God take the wheel.

Loneliness is a powerful feeling. I’m sure there are many fellow readers out there nodding their heads in agreement. They, like myself, have experienced the long dreadful nights. The nights you can’t seem to pull your thoughts out of the black waters of misery. Alone, mentally struggling to move on, nothing speaks to you. You feel empty, lost and when the sun falls, desperation seeps into your mind. It truly is a terrible experience in my opinion.

The human nature in all of us can’t help but wonder “God, what is the point of putting me through this all??” 

“Is this part of my penance for my sins?” “Did I go against your Will by falling for this person?” “Is that why it all fell apart?” “How much longer will I need to go through this heart-break before I find the right one?”

These questions were being thrown around my brain like high school dodge ball tournaments. Fast, hits hard and keeps coming follows you as you try to dodge it. I thank GOD for certain family members and friends who helped me through it all.

Here’s where a healthy friend circle, a good family member or even a therapists would take you, these thoughts and give you some perspective.

*This does not just happen! You have to be deliberate with your life choices. If you want good support, you have to ask the right friends, and family members. Be wise in who you choose to keep close in your life. They influence everything.*

God is always listening, sending you graces to help you through the good and bad times. Maybe the question needs some tweaking. It’s not about where are you God? But, where is God in my life?

God can only take the wheel when we have made him the driver in our car.

It was time for me to ask some different questions.

Celia, where is God in your life?

Take a break from helping others, from being involved in your family members lives and take a good look at your own.

Did you make room for God in your single life? Is there room for you to grow closer to Him? What about now? Can you use some of your lonely time to pray, be deliberate with your intentions and spiritual growth?

Being completely frank here, these questions were hard to answer truthfully for me. I’ve been exhausting myself trying to grow in my spiritual life when I felt good and motivated to do it. Other than that, God seems to slip off my radar too easily when I’m struggling in life. Which is not good for me.

Kinda missing the point of having a strong spiritual life. God’s here to help guide us through the thick and thin of life’s challenges. We are to rejoice with God, suffer with God, using life to grow closer to Him. Which again, soooooo much easier said than done.

With that realization I pushed myself to ask a few strong family members for advice.

I must be deliberate about who I ask advice from. Who’s lives am I drawn too in a good way? Who do I wish I was more like spiritually, mentally, even physically?

Dear Reader, if you take away one piece of advice from my blogs, let it be this.

Be deliberate about who you choose to surround yourself with in your life. You are your closest friend circle, if you want a healthier lifestyle choose the friends that will help you create that by their example and support. You still have to do the work to create that better lifestyle. And good friends who have the same or similar goals will support you as you support them.

Shifting in The Season of Waiting

Ladies, it is time to shift. Which will take you years.

This is not a quick fix, it’s a gradual, grace period to grow into the life you want at the pace you want.

If you want to actually turn your life around for the better and become that version of yourself you love, enjoy and want to be. It’s all about shifting in stages toward it.

Let me use my own life as an example. Because I didn’t think shifting was working for many years. It was, thank goodness I didn’t give up all the times I felt discouraged. This is all proof of it.

Let me splain:

5 plus years ago, I wanted to be someone else. Someone happier, stable, mentally and physically healthy. More Godly, feminine and well, just better.

The Shift began when I deliberately chose to define what a happier me would look, sound, and feel like.

Pulling out a sketch book, I outlined the present me version, and the version of me I’d love to become.

I’d love to show you the original sketch, but alas I packed that notebook away during my last room purging cleanse.

GOSH I can’t believe how much my life has shifted since then. It’s incredible. (pardon me as I shed a few tears.) Thank you God and me from back then for coming so far.

My areas of growth were all over and in various depths.

I hated my style, my lack of soft feminine looks to start off with.

Hate: feel intense or passionate dislike for someone. (hate is a strong word, and it was such an anchor on my life when it came to myself. I hated most of myself back then which has now shifted.)

Places I shifted over the last 5 plus years:

• personal appearance
• mental health/anxiety/depression/trauma/self care
• mindset toward life, goals and money
• spiritual life/ prayers/why I am Trad. Catholic
• My work life
• Life goals/ bucket lists/ travel
• Physical health
• Family life/friend circle
• Single life/Dating life/Marriage

It was me choosing to shift into the best version of myself throughout these past 5 years that have given me what I have now.

It’s Not Luck. It’s Hard fricken Work.

The Season of Waiting is about choices

It was all deliberate. Messy, all over the place chaos and at times lonely. I still don’t know exactly where I am going all the time. However, I have a better idea of where I want to go now, because I did the work. And choose to continue doing the work to grow as a Trad. Catholic feminine woman author.

The Waiting Season gave me the opportunity to figure out what I wanted from life on multiple levels. My career path has become clearer, I want to be an author. Wait, I am one!!! That was figured out because I started pursuing a more fulfilling job. I failed more times than I’d like to count. They were failed attempts that opened new doors that led me to where I am today. A Graphic Artist by day, and Author by night. One step closer.

I could go on however if you apply the above to all the areas I’ve listed the result is the same. The Celia you meet today is the result of choosing to shift over the years. Little at a time, finding out what I like, what I enjoy, what gives me strength and joy.

This wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t want to shift into a better version of myself first. I had to choose it every single day. Good and bad days alike.

Interesting fact: Did you know that I’ve been trying to put myself into therapy for just about 5 yrs now? It’s true. 5 years of “I need help, but is therapy the right road for me?” questioning with hours of prayers. I’ve been close, this year I tried again and something finally fell into place. I was recommended a good therapist nearby, at a price I could afford, who specializes in the therapeutic treatment I’ve been interested in trying. I’m not saying you should sit around, wait for opportunities to happen. I searched, made inquiries, prayed and looked all around for therapy each year. You need to take action before an opportunity can come your way.

The Waiting Season is a Gift

Do the work now, to allow the opportunities to fall into place for you.

I am not preaching, I am trying to live it. I may have a Boyfriend now (shakes my panda pillow vigorously giving way to a girlish squeal), I’ve been waiting to say that line for over 10 years!!!! (screams again)

Where was I?? aHhh I may have a Boyfriend now, but that doesn’t mean I’m done growing. It doesn’t even mean the Season of Waiting is over with. It’s coming to a close if all goes well the next year or so. However, I still have plenty of growth yet to achieve in my life.

Also, your relationship does not complete you. It adds joy to your life, but should not become the only joy in your life.

I want to better my cooking skills. I love to eat, expanding my foodie knowledge while traveling means learning more about how to cook it all at home.

I still have a few books I’d like to publish. Maybe get a few turned into tv series.

I’m a Girlfriend to a handsome, brave, good Catholic man. It’s all new to me. How does one be a good girlfriend? Time to find out.

My spiritual life with God, the saints and liturgical year will always need some love. I’ve been spending extra time learning about how to celebrate the Holy Days, and make deeper connections with God through prayer. Which takes up a lot of time and effort in good ways. I’m just not used to it. It’s both exciting and overwhelming since there is so much to learn.

 

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning how to dance in the rain.”

– Vivian Greene