5 steps

Mental Health Steps for Coping with Family Death

Before we head into the steps, let me just say. You will go through different stages for the next year or two. Possibly longer or less time.

It is normal and healthy for you mentally and physically to adjust slowly over time.

From personal experience, no one will have the right words to say to comfort you. And honestly, the more people try to comfort me with words, I have two reactions. I feel annoyed, bristle at the empty words that don’t help. Or I feel seen, and sometimes, I feel like the person talking is seen as well. The pain and loss they themselves have been through shows in their condolences for my own loss. Yes, this has resulted in a few extra hugs given. When a sweet old lady tells you it’s been over 20 yrs and they still miss their Dad. I can’t help, but hold them.

Right now, words don’t help at all.

But, action does. Which step 3 will explain in more depth. Trust me, it will help you so much when it comes to comfort.

5 steps

       1. Live in the moment

Gosh, this is hard for me. I have a future looking mind, my thoughts constantly layout future plans. Which fall apart when my Dad died sooner than we expected.

Plans like going to more concerts together, cooking him more healthy creative meals since he was a type 2 diabetic with a heart failure past and other medical issues. I even went so far into the future as to see him slowly but steadily walking me down the aisle one day.

Tuesday morning, March 26th, 2024. I got the dreaded text from my older brother. “Dad has passed away this morning.”

We all thought we had another week maybe. Dad looked bad but he’s looked worse in the past few months. It took us all by surprise.

Shoutout to my boss and co-workers. You know who you are. They were so flexible and supportive around my Dad’s entire health decline from the past 6 months. I cannot tell you have much more time I got to spend with my Dad thanks to your support. I am forever grateful.

       2. Let the tears roll

Fight, release, repeat. No matter how many people say “Crying helps, it’s good for you. Don’t be ashamed to cry.” It doesn’t stop me from fighting the tears anyway.

However, I do agree with the above comments.

Personally, I can’t help but resist the urge to hide my tears, to run and hide, isolate until it passes.

Small doses of isolation is perfectly fine. But, don’t let yourself hide all day for several days. You’re body and emotions need fresh air, sunlight and people.

Be deliberate with your plans. Isolate for an evening or half a day, then go for a walk. Force yourself. It won’t be easy to pull out of the dark gloomy sadness you feel.

       3. Support groups, Aka: Family and friends

I cannot shout this loud enough: your friends and family will either support you through or take you down.

You need to be honest and ask  support from the friends and family that will be there for you when you ask for help. This is not the time to hope someone changes their mind and will suddenly treat you better because something bad happened.

You need to be deliberate and surround yourself with the real friends in your life.

Talk to them about the pain, lean on them when you need it. And remember, you will be a YO-YO of emotions, be kind to yourself and to your friends. They can’t read your mind or control your feelings.

Be kind and honest.

Story time:

My Dad died this past month of March 2024. It caught us off guard. Things happened quick and it’s a big blur that is hard to remember all the details.

My friends, my lovely, amazing friends made me feel safe, cared about and heard. They were by my side hours after my Dad passed away. They stood next to me at his rosary (Trad. Catholic funeral traditions) and at the funeral.

I wept, they handed me tissues. They checked in on me. Asked me how they can help. And listened. I love cafes, lattes, cake, pastries, more coffee. Boba, food of many varieties. My wonderful friends took care of me. Lattes, Boba, homemade Korean kimchi soup. I felt the love and care from them this entire time.

I feel like I can handle life better now. I know I’m not alone, and I have in my life some incredible people that I will forever be grateful for.

TIP:

Be prepared for some bitter-sweet moments. You’re friends are there to help you. But, they may not fully understand the pain or how long it can affect you. It’s not their job to try to read your mind. You need to reach out when you need them. It could be 2 months after the funeral and you just had a really crappy day and need a hug. Text, call, go meet them.

Always reach out when you’re feeling low, sometimes talking about the pain for 5 minutes is all you need. Other times, you need a shoulder to cry on. A vacation to take.

We are not robots. Do not expect yourself to bounce back, heal, take the time you need and live on.

My besties homemade kimchi soup that she brought over to me. It was delicious and spicy. Warmed me up with love and good food.

       4. Get Busy

So here’s the odd step that I struggle with.

I’m an introverted hobbit, with a yearning for adventure. However, the adventures I want to go on require money I don’t have and a special person to hug and kiss that lives 8 hr away.

I try to keep busy in other ways. It’s just not quite the busy I really want.

Working 2 jobs keeps me busy, paying my bills. Saving up for a new car. (that I keep forgetting to search for.😅)

I try to get out to eat, local shopping and of course hanging out with my sisters as they go thrift store hopping.

The family is going through a lot right now, but we all have been trying to keep Mom company. This is a lot for her to take in, and I am very proud of how she is taking care of herself, leaning on her friends and family for support during this. She’s rather stubborn at times haha

Playing phase 10 with Bernie and Mom. I lost…bad. haha

I’ve been trying to explore home cooking and baking here and there. Time, and energy have been hard to maintain the past month.

I tried sketching Sunday…it didn’t quite turn out. 😅 this lil bird has seen things….terrible things. 😂

I put the notebook down after a good laugh. I did try to fix it. It also did not work.

       5. Find something to look forward to

Part two of the struggle bus for me. The future is full of opportunities, I know.

Get out there and take it by the handfuls.

Honestly, with Dad’s death, I’ve been spending the moments of silence contemplating marriage. Which does not seem to be as close as I thought it was.

God’s plan, remember he’s in charge.

Thus making small more immediate plans are the focus.

The Tulip Festival, maybe some concerts or shows? I hear Comedian Gabriel Iglesias is a fun show to attend. Lindsay Sterling might be coming to Kc in the summer too. Her shows are incredible. Highly recommend.

It might be a good idea to ask your friends to help get you out of the house as much as possible for a few months. Keeping busy and active will help fight off the depression, the pain and long lonely hours of isolation. Breaks up the routine too. Keeping those gray cells lit and sharp.

Bonus: find a release for anger.

Anger is a tricky thing. When you in pain how you handle stress and emotions can sometimes come out as strong quick anger.

Take care of yourself, small steps like sunshine, fresh air, vitamins, fun, and space.

If you’re dealing with more anger than usual and are struggling to handle it, please look into therapy. Your mind is overloaded and needs a release. Therapy can help get down to why anger is your reaction and how to release it. And if you can’t at the moment, take extra time to talk to your friends about it. They need to know you’re struggling with it. 

Those are my 5 Steps for Coping with Family Death. I tried to make it short sweet and as simple as possible. I’ve been preparing for my Dad’s passing for over two years now. Death is still a heavy shock no matter how long you’ve been preparing for it.

These steps will help, they won’t solve or heal your pain, but it will help.

It’s been over 3 weeks since my Dad died. I’ve spent many hours crying, checking in on family, and slowly coming out of the numbness that seems to come with death. A painful and necessary process so again, be kind and patient with yourself and others.

To the friends of someone who lost a loved one.

You will not understand their pain, just be there for them. Words mean little right now. Be there, be present, check in on them. Buy them food, care products and don’t be afraid to just sit there with them at times. Make life as easy as you can for them. And take care of yourself as well. You matter too.

 

2 books down, cookies made, and who knows how many more to come.

Thank you for reading until the end. As a self published Author/blogger any and all support is appreciated!

Have a comment or thought to share? Type away in the comments. 🙂

Write on~

Cecilia